Day Thirty-Five: It's kinda like teething with weaponry

Well, diary, the war I thought was a war but actually wasn’t a war is over. Which is good. War sucks, and I can’t fight for shit. And my baby’s back! In, uh, the most unexpected way possible!

Remember how I said that maybe having Eve around the castle to kill goblins might be a good idea? Turns out it actually was. Eve was the turning point. She stopped the goblins cold. Brutally.

I was running around in the nobles’ wing so I didn’t see most of this, but Philip - who’s actually been working on his letters with Robert the Librarian, it turns out, so now he can write a bit - saw it all. The goblins were pushin’ through the barbican for hours, getting’ sliced up on the Neck, tryin’ to jam the mechanism so they could go through. They’d almost gotten across (the cogs got so filled with guts that the trap couldn’t go off) when King Jeffrey ordered his ground troops to go out and face ‘em head on.

That didn’t endear the king to his troops none, but they did as they were asked anyway. That’s the life of a soldier. So they opened up the gates and were about to go fight on the Neck when, well, Eve got in the way. She jumped down from the walls and ran straight at the goblins. Philip says she has a bastard sword clenched in her teeth, but I find that hard to believe.

Okay, truth be told I find most of this hard to believe. When did she grow teeth?

But yeah. She went into a crazed frenzy and tore through the goblins, cuttin’ heads off and severing arms and generally brutalizing every living creature on that bridge. She was too small and too fast for anyone to hit, ‘specially not hordes of goblins who are confused as hell. Can’t blame ‘em, 'cause a murderous infant with a sword four times her size sounds terrifying.

Eventually the goblins retreated, most of them dead, and by the time I got out there King Jeffrey was knighting little Eve while everyone watched from the walls.

All this before lunch.

Eve now has her own quarters in the nobles’ wing. We’re not allowed to visit, ‘cause we’re just peasants, and I think that suits Libby just fine. She’s a real douche like that... though I’m not sure how much I can blame her. Does Eve need raising anymore? She’s already got a better paying job than both of her parents combined.

What the hell happened to our little baby, diary? Am I okay with this?

The world is a weird place,

Dragomir the Guard