So I woke up this morning with no clothes on - everything was heaped beside me - with a rhino in my face. The rhino is an acquaintance, so he just licked my face, but it was a surprise.
I'm home. After weeks and weeks, I'm home. How? No clue.
Hem.
That's not totally true. I have a smidge of a clue. But I only know the how, not the HOW. You know?
I guess I'd better explain. Trust me, this is as confusing to me as it is to you, diary. Probably disturbs me a great deal more, as well. You're an inanimate object. You don't worry 'bout stuff like this.
After that last entry - I need to have a chat with a certain rat who's been holding out on me, I think! - the clean area I was in got really, really cold. It expanded, pulling me towards the centre like some sorta weird vortex. The pedestal shrieked louder and louder, hurting my ears, and the gems popped out of the eye sockets, blazing like crazy, so bright that I had to shield myself -
- and then it all stopped. The crazy wind died, the temperature went back to normal in an instant, and when I dared to open my eyes I found myself in a huge star field. With no floor. No floor! I'd been sucked into the night sky! Really weird shit, diary, I kid you not.
Philip was there. He'd floated in before the vortex started, just staring at me. He was still there, and so were the rats, and everybody was watching me, all flustered and confused… and then everything but Philip - even you, diary - faded. Faded and disappeared. That scared the crap outta me. I thought I was lost in limbo forever or something! What would I do to pass the time?!
But that wasn't the end. Something came out of the stars, a big, twisting, shining claw that slid past me… and touched Philip. His ghost body went all rigid, and then, amazingly, it went back to normal! Completely normal! Well, yeah, he was still all deathly white, but I could see him as though he were just a normal guy again!
Philip opened his mouth, his arms out, the claw touching his back, and I knew it wasn't a man talking. I can't remember exactly what it said, but I'll try and write it all down. I'll at least always remember that it had my dad's voice, amplified so much that my teeth rattled every time it spoke:
"IT IS SATURDAY."
That was hard to believe, since I'm always blacked out on the weekends, which sucks 'cause I never get any free time. So I said, timidly, "Is that right?"
"AND ON THIS DAY THAT DOES NOT EXIST, WE CHARGE YOU WITH A TASK."
He didn't say anything for a minute. Guess he was expecting me to ask about the task. I scratched my armpit instead. When I get nervous, my pits get itchy. It's probably a real medical condition.
Philip stuck his tongue out, then continued. "YOU HAVE THE TAINT. YOU WERE ONE BORN WHO WAS NEVER MEANT TO BE, ONE BORN LIKE THE OTHERS WHO WERE NEVER MEANT TO BE. YOUR TAINT CARRIES THROUGH YOUR KOWDE."
"K… k… kowde?"
"BLOOD. I MEANT BLOOD."
That made more sense, and I was instantly concerned for Eve, 'cause I got the reference even if I didn't understand what it meant. The thing never mentioned her, though, and I was too petrified to ask anything. (What the hell is 'kowde'?
"YOU DO NOT EXIST. YOU ARE THE SAME AS THEM. THEY CANNOT CONTROL YOU AS THEY CONTROL OTHERS. YOU CAN STOP THEM."
'Them' is pretty damn vague. For all I knew he coulda meant my wife's family, and they CAN control me. They're all as violent as her. But enough jokes.
"YOU ARE YET INCOMPLETE. YOU NEED A WEAPON. THERE IS BUT ONE YOU CAN WIELD."
This gave me my first chance to speak up, even if I did sound like I was going through puberty again. "But I can't! I can't… I've tried so many times! There's no weapon-"
"IT IS IN YOUR TAINT. YOU WILL RISE TO PROMINENCE, AND THEN YOU WILL FIND THE WEAPON, AND THEN YOU WILL LEAD."
The hand withdrew, slowly. Philip sagged, and his body began to waver, turning back to its old, ghostly self. Is it weird that I find him LESS freaky that way?
"But where?" I asked, trying to catch Philip's hazy, dead eyes as they faded back to normal. "And who? And why? What the hell are you talking about? Please, tell me!"
"THAT'S NOT HOW THIS WORKS. YOU MUST WALLOW IN AMBIGUITY FOR AT LEAST THREE MORE YEARS. GOODBYE!"
And then I was BLASTED, diary, as though I'd been punched in the stomach by the collective force of the universe, BLASTED through the night sky, smashing back down towards the planet… I could see the continents, the expanses of the Imperium, the cluster of settlements where I used to live, the forests, the plains, all of it rushing up to meet me, moving at a billion miles an hour -
- and then I sat up, and a rhino was staring at me, and I was naked.
I guess we're back to where we started.
My first thought after realizing where I was, was, "God dammit, I left the cure behind. I have to walk all the way back to Goblinoster." But I'll talk about that tomorrow. I'm really, really confused, and I wanna go home.
Sincerely,
Dragomir the… Guard?
No comments:
Post a Comment