Day One-Forty-Eight: Pop the question

Woooooow. I actually did it, diary. I asked out the captain! And he said yes! I know how gay that makes me sound, but he said yes!

This isn't going to be a DATE, of course. I would never ask the captain out on a DATE. I mean, hell, I've never even asked LIBBY out on a date, and if she found out I was going out on a DATE with another MAN, then… well, she might do the same thing to me that the kangaroo did to the captain. This is just two guys, two manly men, sitting down for a meal. And we will chat and make merry and all that stuff.

But enough of that! You're probably wondering how I managed this incredible feat! How I, Dragomir, the man whom Captain Cedric hates the most, convinced his royal hardass-ness to sit down for a meal! And I will tell you, diary. Oh yes, I will indeed.

After following Captain Cedric around for a week, I got to know his habits pretty well. The little things, you know - like, for example, how Cedric loves apples, or how he likes his helmet to be nice and shiny when he's out on patrol, or even how he only adjusts underwear wedgies when he thinks no one's looking. Little things, diary, little.

So today, I set about making Captain Cedric as happy as possible. I showed up to my post on time, I was wide awake and alert whenever he came to check on me, and I even gave status reports. Like a proper guard and all!

The normal stuff isn't all, though. I had lots of little gifts and compliments on hand for Cedric, too - kept some apples in my pockets to share with him, told him how nice his helmet looked and asked for tips on keeping my own clean, and I even told him, nice and discretely, which corridors were empty when he looked put out by his pants. He always came back after 'checking' these corridors with a much more satisfied expression.

By the end of the day I found him in the Beefiary, by himself, chewing on some raw veggies. (And I made sure not to approach him until AFTER my shift.)

"You," he grunted, spitting the end of a carrot out of his mouth. "Whaddya want?"

I saluted him, even though I was off duty. "Captain! I, uh, I wanted to ask you something!"

"Oh yeah? What's that? Couldn't figure out how to buff grease outta your spikes like I told you?"

"No, sir!" And I showed him my helmet to prove that it was nice and shiny. "Actually, um, I was wondering if you… might…"

"Spit it out, guardsman, I'm busy." Which was bull, he'd been staring at the wall.

"Sorry, cap'n! What I mean to say is, do you mind if I eat with you tomorrow? In here, that is?"

The captain stopped chewing for a moment. For a brief second his expression was that of an antelope, caught in the torchlight; then his eyes settled into the suspicious glare of a wary sloth, and he stared me down with more intensity than the average elephant stampede.

"Eat?" he mumbled around his carrot. "You? Me? Why the hell would you do that? You know I hate your guts, don'tcha?"

"Yes!" I saluted again. "And I'm sorry for that, cap'n, and I wanna make it up to you! I've given you a hard time in the past, and I figured I could, y'know, maybe buy you a couple beers! And a meal, too - be happy to get you some of the lean cut yak tarts!"

Cedric paused again, no less intense, but looking more confused than before. "What you fishin' at? You want a promotion?"

"No, sir!" Not true at all.

"You want a favour?"

"No, cap'n!" Totally true. Mostly. (Maybe I could get a favour outta him? That would be neat.)

"You tryin' to get in on the votin' process?"

"No, sir!" No clue what he meant by that.

He paused longer here than at any other point, then lowered his voice to a hoarse whisper. "You one of them gays, Dragomir? 'cause I'm not gay, you hear?"

"No, sir!" Hopefully true. "I just wanted to get to know you, sir! And apologize for slacking off so much! You are, um, an inspiration to me, and I'm hoping you will help me become a better guard! Sir."

Captain Cedric settled back and considered my proposal, rubbing his chin stubble. I stood at attention for what seemed an eternity, not able to look into his eyes. Like I've said, he's a scary dude, and part of me figured he might somehow see all my past screwups if I let him search my soul too thoroughly.

Finally, he took another bite of his carrot. "You're payin'?"

"Yes, sir!"

A grunt. "Okay. Fine. Dinner, tomorrow, 7 p.m. If you're late, I'll take it outta your ass. Now get outta here, I have work to do."

He went back to staring. I ran.

And that, diary, is how you do that.

I'm kinda nervous,

Dragomir the Guard