Come ON, diary! What the hell! This isn't fair! It's not even close to fair! My birthday has always been on the last day of the month, so why the hell are they still here?!
For the last two days, all I've been able to think about is today. About getting rid of good ol' mom and… pop… at the end of my birthday. And now that the day has come, they're saying it doesn't freaking count! WHY? MY BIRTHDAY IS ON FEBRUARY 28. IT'S IN FEBRUARY.
"You're a twit," says dad. "Can't have a birthday on a Wednesday. What kinda idjit are you? No, we always settled you for a Friday boy, and that's when you'll have your birthday. Don't care if it's March or April or November, it happens on a Friday. Now, where's that wife of yours…?"
Sigh. So they're staying until Friday, because apparently you can move a birthday in these parts, and they say they've been doing that since I was born. Robert doesn't remember, the putz, so I can't ask him for backup, but I KNOW that's not true.
Anyway. At this point, the timing of my birthday isn't the concern. Now it's the meal. Robert's at it again, diary, and this time he's picked an animal for his main course that's even more ambitious than an elephant, in some ways: a polar bear.
I might have mentioned a few weeks back that Queen Daena managed to kick a polar bear away from herself. That might make you think that a polar bear is a tiny little creature. That ain't the case, diary - they're enormous, furry beasts, several hundreds pounds of pure muscle. They're much more aggressive than elephants, to boot, and probably the only animals I'd rather not face.
Oh, and dragons. Wild dragons.
And sloths.
Maybe zombies. They live like animals.
Rats are starting to climb the list, too… always peeking at me from dark corners with those knowing eyes…
And water creatures from the moat? Okay, there are lots of animals I'd rather not face. Don't you judge me, diary, it's called common sense.
Point is, polar bears are damn dangerous. Robert wants to kill one - and, no surprise, he wants help, 'cause he can't hunt on his own. And since there aren't any OTHER guards to get killed on this little expedition (sorry, Philip, wherever you are), I guess that means I'M gonna bite the bullet this time.
Oh, and to add insult to injury? Dad's coming, too. He thinks it'll be fun. SUPER.
Maybe the bear and dad will eat each other.
I can only hope,
Dragomir the Son
I'm trying to imagine Sloths as some fearsome, bloodthirsty monstrosity. Able to rip a grown man to shreds in a single instant of frenzied death.
ReplyDeleteAnd it's surprisingly easy.
Sloths are creepy. Like upside down Tree Clowns.
My girlfriend thinks sloths are some of the cutest creatures on the planet. So, naturally, I decided to hype them up as the fiercest sons of bitches you ever did see.
DeleteDon't know if you'll ever actually come across a sloth in Dragomir's Diary, but you'll hear many tales of the beasts. Oh yes.