Day Three: Too many choices

Today I’m not going to talk about the name of the castle first. It’s still Castle Bitchfist so why bot

Shit. Sorry, diary, that’s a bad habit I’ll have to break. This writing stuff is hard. I really wish I had that button I talked about yesterday.

At least I have something big for today: your hiding spot. I need to find one. I dropped you a few times last night when I nodded off while guarding the mess hall. Everybody else was asleep so I didn’t get caught, but I don’t want to take chances. If somebody found you, my wife would feed you to an ocelot or something. And I bet the ocelots would love the taste of your fine rat skin cover.

I tasted it myself, in case you didn't notice. Licked you. Just to test. You don't seem that good to ME, but I don't trust ocelots. They're unpredictable.

I’ve thought about a bunch places I could put you. They are:

- The library
- The mess hall
- The barracks
- The toilets
- The rat farms
- Behind my back
- On my wife’s head
- By the queen’s tree, but she has to promise not to read you
- My stomach, as in eating you
- The floor

I don’t know which is best. I don’t want anybody finding you, diary, because I’m a secret writer. Everyone will laugh at me if they find out I’ve been writing in you, and the captain will get mad. He’s already always mad at me because I don’t do my job. I know he’s just testy because he’s a eunuch, but still. Blame the kangaroo, not Dragomir!

I’d better stop writing in you for now, diary. My wife just walked by, and she’s getting a look in her eye. I think she knows I’m hiding something from her. You don’t want to get on Libby’s bad side, trust me - the last time I did she built a cage, forced me inside and left me in the west bailey. People kept poking rotten fruit through the bars, like I was some kinda monkey. It was awful.

Was well fed that day, tho.

Sincerely,

Dragomir the Guard