Day One: Hello, diary

Today, I am living in Castle Bitchfist. Yesterday, it was Castle SeanPaul. The king needs to stop changing the name. It’s hard to get any return mail.

Sorry. I should start over. I’m still learning about structure and flow and that stuff.

My name is Dragomir. I’m a guard. That’s why they call me ‘Dragomir the Guard’. You’re my diary, so I should introduce myself. And I guess I have! I know people usually shake hands at this point, but you don't have hands. And you're not a people. Maybe some day?

You’re what I’ve been waiting for, diary. I stole you from the clerks when I was guarding the treasury. Or the bits of you. The pages. Are they your guts? I guess so. I hope I don’t get in trouble, but I don’t think the clerks will suspect me of grabbing their junk. They always have their heads shoved in their ledgers.

Not that I think you’re junk, diary! I got you a cool rat skin cover and everything! I hope you like it. It’s important to have a good home, and Robert the Librarian told me that these rats were some of the castle’s finest. I don't know what it takes to be a 'fine' rat, but I'm sure it's something special, like a glossy coat or clean teeth or something.

Rats. Rats are creepy. You're just a big old corpse diary, you are.

Robert the Librarian (I have to call him by his full name ‘cause there’s like a billion Roberts in the castle, including my own brother) has been teaching me how to write for a while now. He told me a diary would be a good place to start on becoming a writer. He’s the only person in the castle who encourages me. Everyone else just tells me to keep on guarding, even though I’m bad at staying still. Thieves sneak past me all the time, 'cause I like to wander around and see what everybody else is doing.

No wonder I’ve never gotten a promotion.

I can’t write in you too much, diary. My wife will probably burn you if she finds you. She’s kind of a douche like that. I’ll have to find a good hiding place. See you tomorrow!

Sincerely,

Dragomir the Guard